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Delusion, Dissolution, Clarity

I used to have a delusion. Because it was a nice delusion, it could have been called a delusional fantasy. But delusional fantasies are just nice delusions. Seemingly nice anyway.

Delusion Versus Delusion Fantasy

The most common delusional fantasies are:

  • That everybody will be nice during the holidays. Everybody will be nice at Christmas. Everybody will be nice to me on my Birthday.

  • My better half/spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend will same day come around to my way of thinking. And, they'll put something away. Or, they won't put it away. And they'll do it that way because they love doing it that way; or at least they'll do it that way because they like me.

Fantasies can be different from delusional fantasies when we know that it's just a fantasy, we have no expectations of it coming to pass.

We can believe that things will change for the better without that being a delusion.

Back to my story.

Getting Past Delusion

My delusion was that Christmas was one time when everybody was nice to each other. I was so deluded by this delusion that I didn't realize it was a delusion. I told myself that it happened every year, other than certain obvious characters hadn't gotten the message yet.

My delusion was shattered recently because that's not really what I wanted. I didn't want people to be nice just for the sake of being nice or just for the sake of Christmas. I wanted people to be in real relationship with each other. Even though people were nice and some were even in real relationships, it didn't matter. I was wanting my delusion more than what I really wanted, and what I really wanted wasn't going to put up with that any more.

So, my delusion shattered. It was very painful. I tried to replace that delusion with other delusions, well if I just do this it will be all right. Or if I just do that it will be all right.

None of those delusions was satisfactory and I fell into dissolution - nothing was right with the world and never would be. The pain of that dissolution caused me to cry out and give up my delusion and give in.

Seeing Clarity

The moment I gave in, clarity came. Clarity to see what was really real, what I really wanted. What I really wanted had pushed those delusions out, so that it could have space to breathe, to live, to be real.

That's not to say I don't still have delusions. I'm not aware of any at the moment, other than the delusion of not having delusions.

It's not that I didn't have real relationships before, but sometimes, like at Christmas, I didn't work as hard as I could of on making relationships real. I didn't because everybody was supposed to be nice and that would cover any shortcomings of real relationships without any work needing to be done, at least on my part. Hah!

Clarity is great. Getting to clarity can suck! But, it's worth it.


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